I like to fight Pt 1 of 3

I don’t why I get such a rush from fighting. I don’t really care if I beat someone’s face in. I actually don’t like that. I mean it’s cool because I won, but I like walking away looking just as bad. The thought of potentially fighting for my life makes me grit my teeth, clench my fist, and smile. Maybe it’s a primal thing. My ancestors were native americansand they did have that kind of primal thing of fight or die. We had to protect what was ours or lose it and our lives. I do feel a bit savage when I fight. I don’t talk, I don’t do a weird fighting stance and my mind is blank. I actually feel like an animal when fighting. Carnivorous animals like bears and wolves pop into my head when I think about fighting. They are naturally dominate when it comes to taking down other animals. Wolves are fast and agile while bears are slow but powerful. I find myself to be both. Not at the same time, but when I need to be. Fast at first to gain the upper hand, then slow and powerful to almost knock them out. I always thought of bears to be able to take a lot of damage. They’re just really big and tough. Unlike to think of myself that way too. I’m really tall and stocky which you don’t see much, but I’m also fast.

That first hit is always the best on both ends. Hitting a person first and seeing their reaction as the thought of “this is actually happening” passes through their mind. They get a look of terror and panic to strategize a plan. When my fist makes contact and stops, that is my favorite moment. A sharp pain in my hand gives me a bigger rush. And if they hesitate, I get into this rage. I feel insulted, especially if they started the fight, but I seize that moment and go to finish the fight.

I like to fight Pt 3 of 3

I think the reason I fight is because I was always the good child. Never acted out and was always calm. That wasn’t by choice. Being the firstborn, my father, who was also firstborn, means you have to be the example for all the right things. I wanted to have fun, but it wasn’t allowed. As I got older and my parents became less caring, I started acting out. That’s because I was always good and I was never rewarded. It was just expected. The feelings I had when I realized this were all rage and anger. Anger that could only be gotten rid of by violence. I actually wanted to die first, but I got into my first real fight a couple days after that. I went from wanting to die to wanting to fight. I saw all the things I hated in the person I fought. It was a personified version of my mental and emotional anguish actually attacking me. It was the guy who started it who made contact first. I don’t know what happend but something clicked. I wasn’t going to take that abuse from my parents and especially not from this guy, so I fought back. I ended up losing that fight but I was happy. Afterwards I started training on my own. Studying martial arts from videos and books. It was hard to practice without anything to hit, but I managed. That was years ago and now I’m pretty good. I’ve gotten in 15 fights and I normally come out the winner if the cops don’t get there first. My uncle told me that he used to fight a lot and no one cares. That’s what guys did back then. Now, I say something passive aggressive and 4 people have already called the cops. I actually feel better after I fight. All my negative feelings are gone and I can move on, but if the cops show up, I feel more enraged. I guess I just need to be more careful. Fight in alleys and whatnot. But yeah. I like to fight

I like to fight Pt 2 of 3

My fighting style has really progressed since I first started “fighting” with family and friends. Before it was awkward distancing kicks and arm flails. Now I actually have technique for stand up and ground game. I actually enjoy the ground fighting more. Not sitting on top of someone and punching their face. That’s last chance desperation. I actually like Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. If you don’t know, that’s putting the body in unnatural, painful posistions. Hyper extending arms, legs, and things like that. Also choking people till the are unconscious. I like that because the pain is way worse. It also doesn’t leave that bad of marks on the other person. Unless I break their arm in an arm bar. I try not to do that. I prefer myself to be fucked up looking over them. They could have job, girlfriend, parents, or whatever. I on the other hand have none so it doesn’t really matter. I’m just trying to feel alive.

Good grief…

“Best way to not get your heart broken is to pretend you don’t have one.”

Charlie Sheen

Drunken actions are sober thoughts. Pt 2

So I’m back at home, quite inebriated, and derping around on the computer. Check most of my social networks. Facebook first, then email, checked my phone for text, and eventually worked my way to Gaia Online, because I’m nerdy like that. There’s this other girl on Gaia that I’ve just flirted with. No harm in that, right? She’s really cute and all and we connect on so many levels. It’s like we’re the same person, but she got the looks. I mean I’m not bad, but this girl is fuckin gorgeous!! She is definitely my Internet crush. Haha. We’ve discussed feelings and stuff. We actually know things would be great if we weren’t so far away. The distance is why he just flirt and stuff. It’s kinda weird to commit to someone who have never met in real life. We’ve skipped and we text each other, but that’s it.

THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME!!!! I always meet the best girls, but they are nowhere near my location. I’d go visit, but with college and work, I’m just so busy. I go to school all week and on vacations or breaks, I choose to work so I can pay for school. I wanna go soooooooo bad. The same situation is going on with her. School and work. Life is no fair. Yeah, we can wait, but we’re also on a thing of not committing so we can actually date other people. I don’t want to date other people though! All the girls in my town are stupid now and the good ones friendzoned me. Even when I explain my intentions and feelings. I just want this girl to have and to hold. All that good stuff n junk. I have no idea why I’m putting this on Tumblr. It sounded like a good idea. I don’t have a journal or anything. This is the closest thing I have so I guess it’ll do.
This concludes my ramble. No one will really read it.

Drunken actions are sober thoughts. Pt 1

I haven’t done anything, but I am unsober. So here I am at this party with a bunch of friends. Old and new. Good music, good drink, good everything, anyway, there was this girl that I was into pretty much into all of high school that showed up. She was actually into me too which was cool. We talked for a bit about this and that. All was going smoothly. Even when we talked about how we felt which was way awesome. I thought something was going to happen and we could be a thing of sorts. We kissed and that made my night. I brought up the idea of us maybe being something. Then that’s when she said it. She actually said a collection of words, but simplified, she friendzoned me. I kinda walked away at that point. I partied more and then went home. I’m surprised I made it back as quickly as I did. That was probably unsafe…. Part 2 comes next

Buahaha!!